Ninja Theatrics
by Dignitary Fork
Summary: Who knew that genjutsu was part of set design, or that ninjustu is perfect for special effects... Young Uzumaki Naruto, with the help of a crazy foreign director, will realize the true art of theatre is closer to home than he realizes.
1. Prologue

Chapter One In Which a Star is Born

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**Fwump**

The Hokage let his head hit the ornate wooden desk. _What did I do to deserve this?_ He mused idly while he continued to let his forehead bear the brunt of the punishment. His eyes flew back up to the top of the letter that was unfortunately mashed between his wrinkly forehead and the unforgiving desk.

_Hokage-sama,_

_I just thought that I should inform you that Uzumaki Naruto and I will be leaving the village. Why you ask?_

Actually he still wasn't done wondering **why** his long life seemed to be a list of catastrophes.

_As you know I have been searching for the perfect lead in my newest creation! Yes, I realize that my other works were not received with much enthusiasm, I blame your populous for this, they simply don't appreciate true art. But this I assure you will hit the top! In fact, I am so confident I have already started plans for a tour!_

Directors. The normally genial leader of the Leaf village scowled darkly, they thought they could do whatever they wanted. All in the name of art he supposed.

_We have left to get in touch with some of my contacts to get started on production. As you know, live theater requires a great deal of coordination and specialized staff, which I am sad to say are not present in Konoha._

He sighed again, his mind mulling over the ramifications of Uzumaki Naruto's disappearance.

How could that woman believe that a four year old could act? Not to mention said four year old was probably a prime target for any sort of missing nin.

_Have no fear though, we shall return._

Ah, that was the other thing he didn't like about directors- so unnecessarily dramatic.

_Poor kid has his heart set on being a ninja, it's so obvious he's meant for the stage! However, on my word I will return him when he's old enough to enter that flimflam academy of yours. I'll be sending you tickets for our performance in Fire Country, not in Konoha mind you, we will be performing in the capital! Hope you like to travel._

_Sincerely,_

_Hikatu_

**Fwump**

_At least_, thought the Hokage through his stress induced haze, _I won't have to deal with the _'_Uzumaki Complaint' paperwork. _Said pile was scattered on the floor due to Saroutobi's masichotic tendencies.

* * *

Oh dear... A giant plot bunny tried to eat me... but instead it decided to force me to slave away in front of the computer. I believe in setting a good groundwork before really moving forward in a story so I'll have to try and hold myself back from rushing through events! It is a neverending battle sigh.

Flames are welcome as long as they have some advice in them- telling me my story sucks won't help change anything.

Dignitary Fork


	2. Behind the Scenes

Chapter Two Behind the Scenes

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Naruto's eyes were glazed over in sleepy stupor; he was drooling onto a soft leather pouch that protected his blonde head from bumping the wooden floor of the wagon as it rattled haphazardly through the Fire countryside.

" Hey kid!"

Naruto was too wrapped up in staring at a fray on the pouch to hear the call of his new friend.

" Kid!"

The weird looking string was zigzagging up from its fellow stitches, like a scrawny plant reaching for the sky. Cool.

" Hey kid! What are you- AGH! My baby!"

There was a loud whinny as the driver reined in the horse sharply, stopping the wagon suddenly and causing all the materials inside to leap forwards, taking Naruto with them. He flew into the boards in a tangle of costumes and boxes of old props.

" Do you know what you almost did?" A frantic female voice pierced the layers of material and cardboard that Naruto was currently under. He groaned and started pushing the load of crap off of him, muttering words that no four year old should know.

" This has the only copy of the manuscript inside it! Your drooling could've ruined it! Not to mention you were sleeping on it."

" Wasn't sleeping," grumbled Naruto as the last box came tumbling off. He vainly tried to disentangle himself from the costumes only to get hopelessly trapped in a garish display of purples and reds.

The woman laughed loudly before yanking him up by the scruff and peeling off all the costumes.

" I have no idea how you do that."

" Huh?" Naruto's blue eyes sought out the woman's brown ones, " do what lady?"

" Look adorable like that," she poked him on the nose, " and remember, my name is Hikatu, kid."

Naruto crossed his arms, his oversized shirt that he had managed to scrounge up at the orphanage dwarfed him, making him look even younger.

" My name is Uzumaki Naruto and don't you forget it!"

Hikatu sighed good naturedly and plopped him down on the front seat before settling herself beside him. She gathered up the reins and clucked to horse, sending them once again on their way.

" Hikatu-san?"

" Yeah ki- er, Naruto?"

" Where are we going again?"

Hikatu yawned and flicked the horse again to hurry up the pace.

" We're heading to Kireki, it's close enough to the capital that it'll have all our supplies. I'm pretty sure that Toyo's still knocking around those parts too. I can't wait to introduce you two, it's gonna be a blast."

Naruto went quiet for a little while, gazing up through the dappled sunlight of Konoha's forests. He still wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do. Hikatu said he was going to be in a play, she said it was like playing pretend in front of lots of people, if you did really good then they would all clap and cheer for you. It sounded so nice… to have everyone cheering for you…

" Hikatu-san?" He tugged on the tall woman's scarf softly, hoping she wouldn't yell at him.

" Yeah Naruto?" She glanced down at him momentarily before focussing on the road again.

" Umm… what pretend are we playing?" He asked nervously, worrying the edge of his baggy shirt.

" Stop doing that to your shirt, you'll wear it out," she pulled his hand away from the hem with her own browned fingers.

" Anyhoo, you're going to be the biggest pretender okay?" Hikatu looked down on Naruto from her impressive height.

" You're going to be a clever thief with a heart of gold who-"

" How can you have a heart of gold?" Naruto interrupted, his arms crossed critically with four year old skepticism.

" You shouldn't interrupt your elders kid, and 'heart of gold' just means someone who is really just a good person even if you can't see it at first."

" Like you?"

" Aw, now you're just trying to suck up, but no, I don't have a heart of gold. If I did I probably would've pawned it off a long time ago."

Naruto pouted, no one accused him of being a good for nothing goody goody.

" I am not a suck up! The other kids might do that but not me!" He shouted adamantly, his arms whirling with expression.

Hikatu just laughed and ruffled his hair.

" Now that's why I chose you for the part kid, spunk."

Naruto just grumbled unhappily, crossing his arms and defiantly sticking out his chin.

" My name's Naruto," he huffed.

Hikatu just smiled down at him knowingly and flicked the reins again. Lazy horse kept slowing down. She glanced over at her leading man again as he shifted in the seat, staring wonderingly out at the mysterious forest. Her eyes narrowed a little when she examined his shirt and pants, both were filthy, you could hardly tell that the shirt was white at one point.

Hmmmm… I wonder if I still have it… 

She peered backwards at the boxes rattling along in the wagon. Reaching back with one lean arm she rummaged around until she felt the tell-tale smooth fabric.

" Erg… come on now, heave!" She tried to yank the piece of clothing out of box. With a triumphant crow she pulled it loose and the small shirt came flowing out of the costume box.

" Aha! Here Naruto," she held out the shirt, "try this on for size."

" Huh?" Naruto squirmed around in his seat until he was facing Hikatu again.

" For me?" he asked, feeling the slippery fabric in his small callused hands.

" Sure kid, can't have you gallivanting around in those threads."

" Huh?" An evil grin spread across his face from whiskered cheek to whiskered cheek. Sometimes Hikatu's accent was impossible to understand, it sounded funny, and sometimes she pronounced things wrong. And then he would laugh and make fun of her until she threw a pebble at him or something.

" Agggh, nevermind- make fun of the way I speak later. For now, head into the back and try it on okay?"

" Yosh!" Naruto clambered into the back enthusiastically. Finally someone had given him his own special shirt, not one from the bottom of the orphan's bag! Oh, and it was a piercing shade of orange, that too.

" I trust that you like it?" Chuckled Hikatu from her spot up front.

" Yeah!" Yelled Naruto appreciatively, nearly falling over when the wagon hit a bump.

" Whoa there little dude, come up here and take a seat."

Naruto, feeling extremely pleased hopped over the wooden planks and plopped down happily. He rubbed his hands up and down the shirt again and admired the slight way the light diamond patterns shone in the mottled sunlight of the forest. He looked up at his benefactor thankfully.

" Hikatu-san?"

" Hmm?" She looked over at him curiously, " what is it little dude?"

" I wante- huh? What's **that** mean?"

" What?"

He tried to sound out what she'd called him but only wound up making some 'oooo' noises. He muttered some frustrated curses as his mouth refused to cooperate with his brain.

" Little dude?" Hikatu gently offered.

" Yeah that! What's it mean Hikatu-san?" he wriggled in his seat impatiently.

" We-ell," Shoot, how was she going to word this one, " Umm… where I come from that's what we call friends, but since you're younger than me I add on 'little.' Does that make sense?"

" Is it sorta like when you call someone 'chan'?" Naruto's face was scrunched up in concentration, his eyes were squinting as he processed the information.

Hikatu considered that for a moment, before shrugging and grinning.

" Close enough."

" Yosh! From now on I'll call you Hikatu-chan!"

" Hikatu is just fine Naruto."

" Right Hikatu-chan!" Naruto was positively vibrating in his seat, a friend! 'Lit-el Doode' mean young friend! Hikatu was his friend! His mind just kept on whirling it through again and again- he didn't think he'd ever get tired of the word.

" What're you smiling like and idiot for?" Stupid kid was just plain ignoring her... chan made her sound like as noble as a pair of bunny slippers.

Naruto, however, felt like he was going to burst with feeling. So, he laughed.

" Ha ha ha ha!

Hikatu eyed Naruto with one eyebrow raised questioningly, what a weird kid. But he was cute in his own way so she'd leave him to his odd pastimes.

" Well, we're almost there, I think we'll get to Kireki pretty late at night so you better set up a sleeping bag back there.

" But Hikatu-chaaaaan, I don't wanna!"

Hikatu calmly reined in the horse, and shifted over until she was facing Naruto. Naruto gulped and looked at Hikatu. He had never realized just how big his friend was, bigger than ji-han and the men who were always with him. She stood up and looked down at him, her head framed by the dying rays of sunlight. Naruto was transfixed- what was she gonna do?

Suddenly she swooped down faster than he could blink and snagged him round the waist with one leanly muscled arm and stepped into the back of the wagon with Naruto tucked against her hip. It took a moment for Naruto to overcome his shock, but as soon as he did he was squirming and cursing up a storm.

" Kuso! I don't wanna go to bed yet! It's still sunny out!"

" Naruto, you are going to bed. End of story," _Besides_, she added to herself, _you've been annoying enough for one day and I'd hate to see what you're like without any proper sleep._ Hikatu unrolled a sleeping bag with practiced ease and set Naruto down on his behind soundly. Naruto tried to look betrayed but failed when he felt a yawn coming. Just looking at the snuggly sleeping bag was making him tired.

" Shoes off."

Half-heartedly he tugged off his sandals and tossed them in a corner. This time he yawned heavily and rubbed the water out of his blinking eyes furiously.

" Okay, you're all set up. Get in Naruto."

Glaring, as much as he could anyways between yawns and slowly closing eyes, Naruto slipped into the sun-warmed covers, sighing happily before remembering he didn't want to go to bed, so heglared at Hikatu one last time for good measure. Hikatu just thought he looked like an afflicted teddy-bear so it didn't do much.

" When you wake up little dude we'll be in Kireki."

" Mmpf. Don' care…"

Hikatusnorted softly.The kidwas exhausted from their travelling. Not to mention emotionally as well. Leaving one's home, as unhappy as it is, is always a strain. Hikatu's face darkened.

_Not like I'll ever be able to go back anyways. _

She straightened her long frame, stretched the kinks out of her back and prepared for a long drive to town. In any case, Hikatu resolved, she still had work to keep her busy… and an orphan too she conceded. She cast one last glance at the snoring four year old in the back, who had somehow managed to procure her leather sack as a pillow again. Yes, she decided, it was a good decision to take him. Not that she was deeply attached or anything oh no, no, no. Nothing like that, she waved the silly idea away like an annoying fly that just kept coming back. It was just that the way he was being treated offended her natural sense of rightness, that was all.

_Yeah… That's all._

Anyways, she didn't didn't know how to raise people. That was just a disaster waiting to happen.

Ugh, she was thinking too much. At this rate she'd be exhausted when they got to Kireki. Settling for the calming view of the sunset lit trees, Hikatu relaxed and flicked the horse on to the Home of Theatre.

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** Up next... the incredible Toyo! Whooo, I'm having way too much fun writing this. Read and review!**

** I'll bring any ideas you all have into consideration- or pairings if that is what you desire.**

** Dignitary Fork **


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